That is the question a gal asked me this evening. She said, “I am curious, were you the same when you were younger?” I should have said, “No, and I should kill you for asking.” But, of course I didn’t.
In reality I am nothing like I was like when I was younger. Now, I see my father in the mirror and hear my mother bitching in the background damn near every time I look in the mirror. I did not tell the woman that either.
Instead, I said, “Nope, when I was younger I still believed the world round. I believed in beauty. I believed in dreams. Hell, I even believed in love when I was younger. I do not believe in much at this stage in my life. I have seen so much of the harm people cause to one-another, heard the lies forced upon us by our Government, and witnessed those charged with the responsibility of loving you turn against you with such ferocity that they resemble wild animals. I have had everything taken from me that would have allowed me to enjoy my life, by people I believed in, people I trusted, and people that were supposed to be just and fair. No, I am no longer the man I was when I was younger.
The man I was when I was younger sought the beauty of life, love, and happiness. That man believed in honor, trust, and supported our government. That man believed the Police, the Courts, and Politicians were there to serve the public. That man wanted to protect those that needed protection, defend those in need of defense, and would have gladly given his life to do either. That man believed that laws were intended to protect the people from harm, and preserve a peaceful society. That man dreamed of family, friends, and being socially active. And, that man believed the words “honor,” “honesty,” and “integrity” were values to live by. No, I am no longer the man I was when I was younger.
The man I have become is worse than the man my father was. Sure, I may sound like my father, resemble my father, and have grown into the mirror image of what I believed my father was. But, I grew further from my desired life than my father ever did. Life has fed me lemons not fit for consumption as lemonade. Rules of fair play no longer exist in today’s society, leaving me the belief that my morals and support of my fellow man was stupidity in progress. My contention that government had integrity and was not corrupt supports my present belief that I was a dreamer of a better world, that never did exist. No, I am no longer the man I was when I was younger.
While at times I allow my mind to wander and believe that I still have the opportunity to enjoy my life looking towards the future, I know the truth. I know that my own regrets of the past will haunt everything my future holds in store for me. No longer will my decisions have the conviction they once held, instead the truth provided by reality will shadow everything like a storm cloud just waiting to set forth in storm. No, I am no longer the man I was when I was younger.
I should have killed the bitch that asked me the question, because until now I had the belief that I still held resemblance to the man I was when I was younger. No, I am no longer the man I was when I was younger . . . What a drag.