Let me Tell You About My Chickens . . .

Yes I have chickens. I have 2 Bard Rock hens and 2 of those regular white hens. I also have 1 Indian Runner duck and 1 mallard duck, both hens. But, today’s story is about one chicken in particular that is soon to be dinner if it keeps it up.

One of our Bard Rock hens believes she is supposed to be inside the house instead of the yard.  The first incident was weeks ago when somebody left the back door open and the hen decided to explore inside the house. Have you ever noticed that chickens do not really care where or when they shit? Yes, this hen went to town. You would have thought she a dog on a walk having to say hello to every dog in the neighborhood by stopping at every tree he passed. This hen seemed to have shit every place she went throughout the house.

Anyway, after her tour the hen decided that she liked up on top of some boxes in the Laundry Room for a place to lay her eggs daily. Our daughter found this cute and allowedeggs the hen to enter daily to lay her eggs. Of course chickens do not belong running around the house taking a crap every where I walk in my bare feet or socks, so this chicken has got to find a different place to lay those eggs. Now every morning when I ensure the back door closed I have this damn hen on the other side of the door cussing at me. I swear this chicken is cussing and using some pretty rough words for a chicken her age. You may believe I am joking, but some things you can say in any language and you don’t need an interpreter to tell you what was said. This chicken has quite a mouth on her and can say some pretty damn offensive things when she is angry.

Well, todays episode takes the cake. It is just about mid-afternoon when I decide to snuggle up to my better half for a little affection and I keep hearing this hen cussing at me, and it sounds like she is not in the back yard or side yard where she belongs. It sounds like she is almost in the room with us. I get up and start looking around and observe that our front door had been left open a small distance to allow a breeze through the house and look down to find this dam chicken is at the front door (the screen door) demanding to be allowed into the house. Go ahead, “How do you know what the chicken wanted, you do not speak chicken do you?” I guess you had to be there but this chicken made no doubt her intentions while talking to me through that screen door.

bardrockWell I guess you can tell where this story is headed  and what is going to happen as soon as I open the screen door? As soon as 2 to 3 inches of open screen door happened, so did the chicken. She promptly entered the living room and led me on a tour of the house as I followed with intent to evict her as soon as I could catch her. Yes, it probably did look funny as heck, a 58 year old man in his shorts and socks chasing a chicken who wants to go everywhere but where you want her to go, and the chicken and I both cussing up a storm at one-another. (If you have a vivid imagination, right about now you should be laughing your butt off.) By the time I got that damn hen out of the house I was sweating like a horse just completed winning the race, and the chicken hadn’t even broke a sweat.

The incident ended with me screaming out the back door, “I’m gonna get you chicken!” And the chicken responding, “STFU Old Man, you aren’t getting shit, unless I leave it on the kitchen floor!”

I wish I never learned to speak chicken. I think I would rather not know what this chicken is saying to me. Dang, I wonder what she is saying about me. If I get beat up by chickens next time I visit the back yard, this hen is gonna be dinner!

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