Fuck Me . . . Am I about to die?

There isn’t much to be said except WTF? What the fuck is happening to me? Today, I have 153488574836F88936.pngexperienced the most frightening experience of my life. Have you ever experienced having a “stroke? ” If you have never had a stroke experience prior to today, God cannot prepare you for the changes you are about to embark upon.

I guess I should start a little earlier in this fun I had the opportunity to enjoy. Last night, (Actually, Sunday night/Monday morning) prior to 2:00 AM out of the blue my right leg started feeling funny and then suddenly I am Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four as my leg has turned to rubber. Uh oh, maybe not so much like Reed Richards because although my right leg appears to have turned to rubber the rest of my body has not made such transformation. Unlike the first transformation, I went through which revealed that I have an issue that caused my leg to become  a “bouncy toy,” it is ten hours later and I am in a Home Depot store fighting to stay verticle as my body has chosen to try to reduce me to a horizontal puddle of mush against my will.

Picture this in your head. I am just outside the “self serve” cash registers when my right leg suddenly turns to rubber but the right foot has become and exorbitant weight that I am unable to move. So as my leg turns to rubber my foot is stuck where it is and little by little I lose control of the right side of my body falling gradually to the ground as the weight of my body has increased to a weight that three people were not able to hold me up.  I held as tightly as I could to the Pallet Rack shelving Home Depot uses to display their products on. A Home Depot employee asks me if I am all right. I am still fighting to stay upright when my buddy joins me and we push the shopping cart I have clung to out of the store. My buddy sees I am in serious distress and tries to hold me up and get our vehicle at the same time. After a few moments, he sees that it is a serious situation and asks the Home Depot employee to call an ambulance.

I have absolutely no idea what is happening to me, but I have grabbed the column in front of the Home Depot store with my left arm and I am using every bit of my strength to try to remain upright and it is not working, my right foot weighs more than I can pick up and I am slowly falling to the right, I can hear the siren of an approaching emergency vehicle, and I have run out of strength, I can not hold myself upright, and the three people trying to help me stay upright can no longer support the dead weight I have become in my fall to the ground.

The Fire Department has arrived. Two Paramedics from the fire truck rush to my location. Out come the “lick em and stick em’s” these guys carry with them to try to diagnose if you been drinking too much, or you are having a fucking heart attack and have only minutes to live.  I remained alert and was able to communicate with the paramedics with little difficulty. At this stage, I still do not understand what is happening.  I can talk and I can lay on my back without difficulty but now I suddenly get very tired every few minutes and I find it easier to lie still and not talk until I find sufficient strength to do so. And up until this point, I have maintained my sense of humor and myself very well, but you just know this has got to turn to shit real soon and it does immediately following the paramedic suggesting that I could be suffering a stroke.  Suddenly I am scared to death, tears start to collect in the corners of my eyes, and now I cannot stop the panic from growing inside of myself. FUCK . . . Am I going to die lying on the ground in front of Home Depot, or what?

Strokes are worse than damn near any other injury that you can get in my opinion. If a stroke does not kill you, it can still leave you a vegetable without the ability to take care of yourself, slobbering and slurring your speech while making little sense to anyone around you. You see, death is not the most to fear, being left a vegetable that your kids have to care for or wipe your butt for the rest of your life is far worse than death. The harm caused by a stroke scares the shit out of me. Let it suffice to say, I am scared to death.

Round about four hours later, I have been “cat-scanned,” poked, prodded, and mri’d but as of yet nobody has given me anything to stop my having strokes or incidents, or whatever you want to call them and I am sitting in a fucking hospital wondering how long before I enjoy the “BIG” one that will leave me vegetated for the rest of my life. It just pissed me off, that they would allow me to sit there waiting for the next incident to happen rather than sedate me or something to prevent my next incident. I had to leave the hospital. I had to leave the hospital before I died right there in the hospital. They released me against their recommendation, but I had to go before their lack of action created a deeper fear inside of me. I enjoyed my fifth incident before I made it home.  The hospital sent me home with a couple drugs that appear to be helping. At least I have stopped having strokes for now.

There is absolutely no reverse direction that fixes a stroke. Changing your entire lifestyle can deter future strokes, but eventually, the “Big” stroke will drop by to finish its job and you will lucky if death takes you instead of leaving you a vegetable to have to be cared for by others. Sorry folks, I am not making my final exit with my kids having to wipe my butt or spoon feed me daily.  I plan on being a hero or at least trying to make my exit a worthwhile experience for all concerned. Don’t want to die from a stroke, don’t want to die from a stroke, do not want to die from no damn stroke.

It has been a week now since this nightmare started and I am still worried . . . Am I about to die?

5 thoughts on “Fuck Me . . . Am I about to die?

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a neurological condition that can be terrifying at times and I thought it was going to kill me when it first happened. Although it’s not a stroke I can relate to and empathize with your extreme fear. Thank you for sharing your experience here, as difficult as it must have been for you to face the truth squarely and turn it into words. I don’t know what to say, really, other than that I will keep you in my prayers.


    • Thank you Miss. I may have faced the truth, but I am trying to run as far away from the reality of the situation as I can. I keep getting tired. I have energy one minute and the next my battery is dead. It sucks! Doctors appointment tomorrow. As long as they don’t say “amputate” I guess I’ll be okay.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t give up hope. Scientists have recently discovered that the human brain is much more neuroplastic than we’d previously thought. That means we can regrow the neurons in our brain and create new pathways for information to flow through. It takes a lot of work and quite a bit of time but the picture is not as bleak as we used to think. That’s not to trivialize your experience. I’d feel the same way if I were you – wanting to somehow run away to a safe place and hide. I look forward to hearing what the doctors have to say tomorrow.


    • I believe that we have no idea what a stroke is, how to treat it, or how to prevent it. They did a “ultrasound” of my throat/neck and could not tell me anything yet. ( The gal that took the ultrasound was hot. No, she was professional and knew al the right answers to make me feel comfortable and get me to relax. ) :Let it suffice to say, I am scared to death. I do not want to be vegetablized by a stroke prior to death.


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